Learning about my vices.

I'm learning lately that food controls my life, or so it used to. I'm so programmed to eat three times a day with snacks on top of that...that i find that i'm always thinking about my next meal or trying to figure out if i'm hungry. I'm making myself listen to my body, and trying to look at food as fuel and not as a social item or a routine thing. Overall since may 16th i've lost 12 pounds as of today....it'd be higher if i'd have been more strict with myself but i feel good so i'm not complaining. I'm losing and not gaining and that's what matters.

?

I don't know if i'm fighting insecurity...or a gut feeling.
I feel like i'm being used, and like i'm being lied to. I feel like my eyes are seeing something that my heart won't let me confront. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if it's myself or others that i don't trust. I don't know if i'm reacting based on past experiences, or if i'm finally learning from my mistakes. I mean, i'm usually right about things...when something looks and feels a certain way....then that's usually what it is. Or so i've found to be true in the past. I try not to live in the past...but i'll be damned if im not gonna learn from it...i've learned some hard ass lessons that i sure as hell don't want to relive or relearn.

My biggest fear confronted.

So...
Last night i had to but an NG Tube into a patient. This is a tube (called nasogastric) that goes up into the nose and down the throat, into the stomach. My first experience ever with this procedure was several years back in denver, my ex boyfriend shimond who was my everything at the time needed one....and oh god, it was just horrific. I'm now realizing that i've worked myself up over a procedure that really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. I mean yea...it was shitty for the patient...but for me...it was just another procedure. So there...i've done it...my biggest fear of being a nurse...confronted and succeeded!

The year in review

Well in the past year, i've moved out of my house and gotten my own place, had my sister living with me and kicked her out, started and graduated from nursing school, bought a brand new car, passed my NCLEX and gotten my LPN license, and i'll be starting my RN program next month. Wow. Busy year.
I miss myself.
My life.
And slowly but surely i'm getting it/me back.
I'm taking the time to enjoy how good it feels to sleep in, to stand at my kitchen window and was dishes in the breeze at 8am, to be confident, beautiful and brilliant all at the same time.
I love my new career....and for the first time in a LONG time, i think i'm happy.

Finally...a new hairstyle!

Well, despite feeling ill....i feel much better about myself today. My eating today was great. My breakfast/lunch was tuna with mayo, and a salad. Dinner was a steak and sauteed yellow summer squash. I snacked on some almonds and blueberries between meals. I went and got my hair cut today, which was way way way overdue. I'm loving it..i feel like a new person without that long, cracked faded hair. I'm the type of person who loves salons and spas...and traditionally..that's where my spending money goes. Throughout nursing school however, i've had to cut that expense out and do my own eyebrows, do away with pedicures and massages, and just deal with blah hair color and split ends. Well, i've found a new stylist down in lewes...and a fantastic new salon and i can afford my luxuries again This is the first time i've been to this place (called "Bling")...you go back in this dark room and sit in a big leather chair to get your hair shampooed...they recline the chair and turn on the body massager and give you cold )or hot) compresses for your eyes....and i swear by the time she's done you're just about asleep. It was awesome. Well worth the 45 + tip! I'm loving being back to work, its good for me. I get bored then i get depressed if i'm not working and home to much. I like knowing that i have something to do...even if it means getting up at freakin 5am...it's worth it. I'm starting to love this nurse thing Finally, my education and knowledge are relevent...and i'm not invisible anymore (although at times i wish i were!). It's fantastic.

The end of the tunnell.

So today i had therapy, for the first time in a while. I remember the first day of therapy...back in 2000...with a lady named lisa. "I can help you" she said, "But you have to be patient and willing to help yourself". I knew that i'd get better, but i never thought it could get here fast enough. Hours and hours and days and years of therapy later, today was that day. Today is the first time i've ever felt complete after leaving therapy. Today i didn't have that feeling of having new things to work on until the next session. I feel like all my years of working on myself have paid off...and now i'm the person that i've created. I feel like i've gotten all of the pieces out in the open...now all i have to to is piece them together...which is the easy part...because i've trimmed up the edges and made sense of them all. I didn't question my relationship after i left, which always happens. I'm truly happy in my life now, and with myself...and i feel as though i've made peace inside of myself. It feels really good.

Intelligence

Today something happened to me. It was a sort of "self-realization" so to speak. For as long as i can remember, i've been in the medical field. I'm smart, and i know my shit....but until now...i didn't have the authority to make decisions and to confer on a regular basis with those educated people who have opinions that "matter". I sucessfully started 3 IV's today, which was truly self fulfilling...because when i left work wednesday after not being able to get my first one...i thought for sure that this was something i'd have difficulty with in my new career. I realized today that i'm "the nurse" that patients ask for when they have a question, and that doctors ask for when they need information. I'm no longer the "smart CNA with potential"....i'm a nurse now...officially. I have a say, i have credibility, i have a license. I've got something that i waited a incredible amount of time for. This is what i've wanted my entire life. And now i've got it. Granted i don't have as high of a license or as high of an hourly pay as i'd like...but all in time i'll have it...within the next year and a half...i'll have it. My hard work has paid off.

And yet again.

And so dad calls me. To tell me about money, as usual. Is this the only thing we've left in common? He pretended as though nothing ever happened....and i'm forced to do the same. It really unlocks the questions i've had all my life...why the abusive relationships, why the drugs.....my whole life i've had men just like him. Put me down until i'm at my lowest, make me feel as though i'm nothing....and pretend as though nothing ever happened....and expect me to do the same. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being put down. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I've had enough. I'm where i have worked hard to be, and noone on this earth can bring me down. Not even those i was born to.

A new blog..

Well i'm trying something new..
I've gone from 203 pounds last summer, to 231 pounds last month...i'm currently weighing in at 223...which means not only do i have 20 to take off to get back down to my old weight....but i have approximately 73 pounds to lose to get to my goal of 150 pounds. I know it's not easy, i know it won't happen overnight. I'm okay with that. I want to have a baby after school and i don't want to have to wear big clothes because i'm too fat for maternity clothes...bah to that.
I'm recently learning to live with the fact that my family sucks when they want to, and that if i'm gonna make it in this life...i'm gonna have to do it myself...as i've always done.