Learning about my vices.

I'm learning lately that food controls my life, or so it used to. I'm so programmed to eat three times a day with snacks on top of that...that i find that i'm always thinking about my next meal or trying to figure out if i'm hungry. I'm making myself listen to my body, and trying to look at food as fuel and not as a social item or a routine thing. Overall since may 16th i've lost 12 pounds as of today....it'd be higher if i'd have been more strict with myself but i feel good so i'm not complaining. I'm losing and not gaining and that's what matters.

?

I don't know if i'm fighting insecurity...or a gut feeling.
I feel like i'm being used, and like i'm being lied to. I feel like my eyes are seeing something that my heart won't let me confront. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if it's myself or others that i don't trust. I don't know if i'm reacting based on past experiences, or if i'm finally learning from my mistakes. I mean, i'm usually right about things...when something looks and feels a certain way....then that's usually what it is. Or so i've found to be true in the past. I try not to live in the past...but i'll be damned if im not gonna learn from it...i've learned some hard ass lessons that i sure as hell don't want to relive or relearn.

My biggest fear confronted.

So...
Last night i had to but an NG Tube into a patient. This is a tube (called nasogastric) that goes up into the nose and down the throat, into the stomach. My first experience ever with this procedure was several years back in denver, my ex boyfriend shimond who was my everything at the time needed one....and oh god, it was just horrific. I'm now realizing that i've worked myself up over a procedure that really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. I mean yea...it was shitty for the patient...but for me...it was just another procedure. So there...i've done it...my biggest fear of being a nurse...confronted and succeeded!

The year in review

Well in the past year, i've moved out of my house and gotten my own place, had my sister living with me and kicked her out, started and graduated from nursing school, bought a brand new car, passed my NCLEX and gotten my LPN license, and i'll be starting my RN program next month. Wow. Busy year.
I miss myself.
My life.
And slowly but surely i'm getting it/me back.
I'm taking the time to enjoy how good it feels to sleep in, to stand at my kitchen window and was dishes in the breeze at 8am, to be confident, beautiful and brilliant all at the same time.
I love my new career....and for the first time in a LONG time, i think i'm happy.